SkyDancing Tantra in Monogamous Marriage



Truthfully, I never thought that I would ever get married! Marriage seemed such a doomed relationship model with its “until death do us part” commitment, and the ironclad sexual contract. I was always a free spirit (still am, actually), exploring life and loving as a single woman, and within different couple styles.


The most important thing is to keep our relationship fresh. It is so easy to become complacent and settle into a comfortable routine of relating! Being in sacred space and sacred time together gives us the opportunity to be fully present with what is now, and to co-create what feels best for the moment. We have done the sacred space ritual thousands of times over the years, and each time – yes, every single time – there is something new and fresh that is said, experienced, and seen. It is amazing how the same practice over and over again can bring a different result every time! And the added beauty of such simple practice is that its effects continue long after.


As a married couple we are not separate from the rest of the world. Attractions to other people are a natural part of life and our commitment to an exclusive sexual relationship does not suddenly make that go away! But how do we handle it? For us, an essential preliminary to every tantric practice is communicating our desires, fears and boundaries. Someone once told me that since I had boundaries, I was not a “real tantrika”. (I suspect he said it to lure me into his bed!). According to him, boundaries are limitations and hence “unspiritual”, and that I was “untantric”.


Steve and I define boundaries differently: a boundary delineates a playing field. It creates a container within which we are free to explore and delight to our hearts’ content, in trust and respect of our agreements with each other.


So to me, being in a monogamous marriage means that I can honor myself, and at the same time honor my husband and our relationship by being true to our joint desires, fears and boundaries. They might need to be restated and adjusted from time to time, and clear communication is the key.


Being married, living and working together 24/7 for almost 15 years, getting used to each other is a natural byproduct. Taking each other for granted. Thinking that I know everything about Steve. But as a SkyDancer, I endeavor to elevate myself above all that as much as possible. Remembering that Steve is a god, a representation of the divine mystery, a tantric Shiva, helps me to move beyond any boring daily routines and stale ways of being together and relating to him. Simply shifting the perspective on how I see my husband invigorates my Shakti energy, and also helps me rise above the mundane of everyday life together into immediate presence and connection. I can look beyond the “stuff” and see the divine in him and in our union.


Being intensely committed to the tantric path – teaching it together full time, living and practicing it as a couple, embodying it as individuals – is the major reason why we continue to be together in this marriage. And while I had been rather skeptical about the marriage model before, looking back at all these years of marriage with Steve I can honestly say that I am happier than ever before! We have forged a path for ourselves that continues to nourish us and helps us grow in many ways — and not only us, but all those who attend our workshops! 


Lokita Carter teaches Tantra together with her husband Steve. Read more about their Ecstatic Living Institute at or see their Harbin workshop offerings here:

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